grape cigar and folklore story day.

I sat on my porch with a book i got out of the free bin at mckays bookstore. The place hip people go to feel sane, when their alone.

The book is an icelandic folklore children's story. Sometimes i get sick of reading things for adult thought. I needed this.

My grape cigar tastes sweet, but i always have the lingering question of "what the hell am i doing here?" I need adventure today. Everyday to feel something.

I was missing the simplicity of my thought when i was a young girl. My wildness that was thoughtless and easy. It drove me to my childhood neighborhood. Two days ago, and im still thinking about it.

Driving down those familiar roads that are unknown to me now..I stuck my head out the window, to see if i recognized the smell. I did. It smelled the same. What was it.?!!

"There is the curve my brother wrecked on, there is the barn i first kissed a boy in, and here is that life-giving hill i road my bike down, recklessly with eyes closed."

I remember walking down that path to a field, to a pond, feeling those weird slimey frog eggs between my fingers.

I found myself standing between the two houses i lived in. Barefoot, wild-haired, and talking out loud to the unknown people inhabiting one of my houses. "Who the fuck are you in my house!?" "You arent even knowing life there!!" Life was great for me there, easy, wild, secure too."

They didn't hear me.....

I decided to drive up to the house i was born in. My friend Mr. Buckner lives there. He looks like santa clause and has one of the most tender hearts i know. He would run down to our house with his gun whenever there was a problem and i was scared. Once i got chased by a rabid coyote,.... we called buckner.

I used to ride my horse bareback up to his yard( i think i was still claiming it as my own) to pick apples. Once my horse went nuts and i got lodged between one of the branches and my horse. Why do i have to go to the chiropractor at age 23?

I walk in my old house and its smaller and different. Full of cigarette smoke and bad decorations. Mr. Buckner was so surprised and happy to see me now a woman. We stroll down memory lane while his new wife cuts bell peppers in the kitchen.

When it was time for me to leave, i hug him bye. He is misty eyed. I didn't realize I would have that affect. Maybe i didnt know how much he was seeing life in me when i was a little girl. Maybe i reminded him of another time.

He walked me outside, i looked at my old playhouse, empty and full of memories. All my old pets are buried here, the stain on the side of the house where i threw the egg, still there. I hop in my jeep. He stands, waves, smiles while i back all the way down the driveway. I drive up the hill i rode reckless on so many years ago, feeling selfish. Realizing how much i live for me, not remembering people who were there. Not caring of their well being now. I made a vow. I will search them out and tell them how i feel. I will remember and make them do the same. Maybe we can help each live life NOW, so we can look back at these moments like those.

Time is cruel. Fucking cruel.

We are here just long enough to ache and scramble, just short enough to not really care. Where is the in between?

I get pissed at the God i love. Claiming life as a cruel joke often. Then i see a child lose their ice cream off their cone, and i remember. It has to be this way. For now. We lose our ice cream, sometimes.

I work retail. I pay rent. I walk aimlessly. I am learning solitude and to see things as amazing. I am also saving all of my wanderlust up for something big. Grand. This is a season.

Everyone feels what i am feeling now. Why dont we talk to one another about it? I should pass you on the sidewalk and say" how are you handling the groaning of life today? suicidal? okay with it? lets get ice cream and watch our lump of goodness fall to the ground. Maybe we can share a laugh.

I feel like people dont know me sometimes.

I am nostalgic, always wanting comfort and good times simultaneously. Always living in the not good enough. I am still learning.

Good God am i ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

please watch that.

Meggyyyy