Eh.

What are you thinking?
I hear conversations in coffee shops of intention and patience. Of loving you like it's a fad. 
I hear girls praying for husbands, like they pray for shoes.

This believer once had flesh to her faith. 
Muscle, tissue, but there is just this bone now, that I can't stop staring at.
I want to build it into something new, using things like toothpicks and glitter, things that you understand and would chuckle at.

I love it here. It's like walking into a beautiful clearing after scrambling through brush and forest debris. 
I can see, I can breathe, and I am okay. 
I am in neutral.
I am an empty jar, sterilized and ready to be filled. 

You, God,that breathes down my neck now, is different.
You are in earnest pursuit of me. 
Smiling through your pants to catch up to my running, I'm always running.
I love that about you. So unashamed in your love and desiring only to stand beside me in this cleared space.
I will always love that and welcome it.

I know you approve, new God, old friend. 
I feel like this clearing is what you wanted to find in me all along. In this tangled thing called a heart. 
In the ones who believe, I think, it's what you hope to find.

-January 24, 2014

Hi, I'm Meg. I have perused the earth for 24 years..

Hi. hello, Hola, and a good day.
I have been absolutely horrible at writing regularly on here. I guess when i was lonely, miserable, and aimless i had nothing better to do...but my life now is so full of amazing things. I found myself quiet and alone this morning, instead of journaling i will type my crazy random thoughts to you, Reader. R u ready?
It was my birthday yesterday. I have been perusing this earth for 24 years. Its a good age i feel. Had the best birthday i have had in a while. A certain man took me camping this past weekend in my favorite spot with a telescope and a kite. Certain friends threw a surprise party for me with fabric flags and The Avett Brothers playing in the background. Beautiful cakes, flowers, and 1 banjo later i realize, i am blessed..

Ok, i feel the need to go back in time a few months just to refresh what i was going through. I was a recent college grad, i had just had my heart broken by having to rip myself away from this life i had made at Gladheart Farm Community.(still throb and miss those people)( see other blogs if interested)  I had no money, no job, and i was moving back in with my mom. My two best friends were both getting married, which only highlighted the fact that i was single, and so ready for my damn husband all at the same time.  ( not to marry necessarily, just to at least have him in my life). I was just so lonely, and your mummy will not suffice when u just feel like a loser.
 I hit rock bottom. I had no friends here, everyone else seemed to be starting an amazing life and i was here scrambling for just the pieces. I cried a lot, asked my mom if i was a loser, A LOT. Of course she said no, moms always will when u ask that.

Somehow I scrounged through. I found myself one particular day downtown in a coffee shop. I was writing in their communal journal, writing my sadness, when i looked up and saw a sign for a church hanging above the counter.. The sign refreshed me, i instantly looked it up and decided to go. As soon as i saw a homeless man directing traffic that sunday morning, i knew this church was not only different, but it was exactly what i needed. I had made the decision years before ,that i would never step into a church building again unless it was being used a bomb shelter and we were under attack. I was refreshed that this was in a historic theatre, this church looked hip, and the people were so real. Actually every damn thing the church stood for happened to be what i found myself standing for. Community, love, thriving......etc they truly had it. I started inviting my brother and his wife, i started knowing people through my days in that coffee shop. I started having a full life again.
The father has not stopped giving me what i need since. I finally reached a place where i was desperate, i had the emergency brake pulled on my ass spiritually. I needed it. I was running my own life in panic, " I know God that you may have these plans for me, plans to stay in knoxville, plans to learn contentment but im still running, i have things to do, mountains to climb, places to see to further distract me from you, so just back the fuck off"...

i finally!!! came to a place where i realized that if i want to thrive spiritually, if i wanna be fully awake , i have to know true joy. I was starting to realize that my joy was only found in him. That i had to learn to coast in his love and trust, or i would never find contentment. Ever. No matter what adventurous place i had in mind. JOY,TRUE JOY was found and i will never have to look elsewhere.

Guess what? I'm still in knoxville, and Im not really freaking out, or in-content, or scrambling to leave because the father taught be contentment. He showed me what i really needed. a new perspective, to know my joy, to seek him and let him bring all these wonderful gifts into my life. To make roots here, and know people. To really dig in and know my city. I have and i am still doing that.

Yeah, i have plans to farm in New Zealand soon, but i know whenever it happens i will be ready for it, and there is no need to have a conniption until then.
If you knew me a few months or yrs ago, then you would fully grasp the capacity of what i just said. I was a runner, and I AM CONTENT. I am at peace. Me! Megan. You got it? ;)

I know community!  I have an amazing group of believers that are my truest friends. I dance, i drink good beer, i run around barefoot. I play with my nephew and am constantly amazed.

I have a certain man in my life that spoils me rotten and happens to have all the same goals and passions for a simple beautiful life that is full and adventurous. His heart is so good, and even the thought of sharing a life with him in marriage makes a smile appear. He cherishes me, protects me, and makes me feel beautiful. I finally met one who knows how to pursue, he has dark chocolate and caramel colored curls and a glorious beard. ( did u expect anything less) really?)
He gets me banjos for birthdays, and teaches me how to fly a kite. He only buys the good wine because  he realizes THIS IS LIFE. I want to build a life beside him. Can i tell you how excited that makes me? we might just pack up his van and leave one day.......;);)

i'll stop rambling. I just wanted to tell someone how blessed i feel. That life will be ok...
 not just ok, but beautiful.

i love you, reader, whoever you are.

-Meg

It's all so fleeting..

Questioning everything today. EVERYTHING.

I want my life as perfect and beautiful as possible, the thing is, i cannot make it such on my own. I get this, it fades. I feel good, that also fades. HE DOESNT FADE. knowing this i still dance around him, my only joy, like an apache indian.

Life is a slow coast. I can't control it, i can only partially steer sometimes.

Father, how do you see me?

I want to thrive.

I want to be used.

I can't seem to reach you through this beautiful, frustrating mess.

Show up in an obvious way, thats all I ask.

Where? When? Him? Is this It? When will the beauty stop being elusive? When will YOU stop being so damn elusive?

You give me my dreams, why do you make them so hard to achieve?

Does my honesty please you? I can only hope because its all I can muster.

The ONLY constant is that love wins. PERIOD.

I LOVE YOU,

Meg

it pours.

It is almost 1:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Richard the pup is snoring beside me. I am sick, the christmas tree is finally up in this home. The reality of my God and the beauty of life has stabbed me back into living. It happened suddenly. I literally feel like i have been in a slumber, and i didnt realize it.

I was reading Annie Dillard and my old posts.

I used to love to live in the present, still do, but forgot how. I used to sit on my momma's front porch and write. I would scribble on her rocking chair, the date, my name, what i was feeling.

My mark on living in that moment. I was not worried about not having people near me, bc i had no one at the time, but in a way i miss being lonely, because i had nothing else but the moment before me. No one to run to to distract me from the beautiful reality of" I am alive!" I am breathing, feeling, dreaming...

It's that feeling of laughing so hard you can't find breath... Of staring at that sunset listening to that song. The one that pricks your heart and makes you feel like it was written just for you and for this moment. It's riding in the car with your feet hanging out the window. It is smelling the glossy coat of a horse and being taken back...and its lying in a field just listening..

I have forgotten how to just be in a breath of a moment.. but i am refreshed.

The fire has been put back under me. I will do things that make me come alive. I will wake with the sun and be astounded again.

I will rekindle my friendship with that person and truly taste that pumpkin latte. I will hitchhike to west knoxville tomorrow just for the hell of it and concentrate on my feet hitting the pavement.

BE AWAKE today, tomorrow, for the rest of your life really.

goodnight.

Meg

I have never been here..

I haven't blogged in a while. I have no reason as to why.

So much has happened. I have been dancing my little ass off at Sassy Ann's. I have friends again here, i have community, most of all i am knowing life. I think.

I cant really explain how damn good it feels to not let the anxiousness of controlling my own life get to me. IT IS GONE.

On my weak days i wonder what i am doing here, i want to skip off to another country. That whole" I'm young! i need to live while i can!" thing creeps back into my life. But what is "living" anyways. I can be living anywhere and the loneliness I felt not being fully known by the people i was around, it really killed me. Once upon a time..when I was traveling and had no intentions of stopping. If someone had told me I would be back here in knoxville,TN I would have cackled in their face.

Here i am. In the hometown where i was raised. 23 years old and my future is completely unknown, but ya know i am okay with it. I am hanging on to seeking the kingdom with all I have inside me. There i have found peace. Whenever anxiousness creeps back in, it is a clear sign that i am not tuning into him enough. Because true joy and peace cannot live where worry, doubt abide. They hate one another.

I have learned to let go and it is beautiful.

Ron Paul.Ron Paul

BEAUTIFUL. Josh Garrells

Farther Along 

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by 

Tempted and tried, I wondered why 
The good man died, the bad man thrives 
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both 
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes 
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope 
In a house of mirrors full of smoke 
Confusing illusions I’ve seen 

Where did I go wrong, I sang along 
To every chorus of the song 
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates 
Leading mice and men down to their fates 
But some will courageously escape 
The seductive voice with a heart of faith 
While walkin’ that line back home 

So much more to life than we’ve been told 
It’s full of beauty that will unfold 
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son 
That deadweight burden weighs a ton 
Go down into the river and let it run 
And wash away all the things you’ve done 
Forgiveness alright 

Chorus 

Still I get hard pressed on every side 
Between the rock and a compromise 
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul 
And I’ve got no place left go 
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown 
More glory than the world has known 
Keeps me ramblin’ on 

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall 
I’m free to love once and for all 
And even when I fall I’ll get back up 
For the joy that overflows my cup 
Heaven filled me with more than enough 
Broke down my levee and my bluff 
Let the flood wash me 

And one day when the sky rolls back on us 
Some rejoice and the others fuss 
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess 
That the son of god is forever blessed 
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests 
So put your voice up to the test 
Sing Lord, come soon