it pours.

It is almost 1:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Richard the pup is snoring beside me. I am sick, the christmas tree is finally up in this home. The reality of my God and the beauty of life has stabbed me back into living. It happened suddenly. I literally feel like i have been in a slumber, and i didnt realize it.

I was reading Annie Dillard and my old posts.

I used to love to live in the present, still do, but forgot how. I used to sit on my momma's front porch and write. I would scribble on her rocking chair, the date, my name, what i was feeling.

My mark on living in that moment. I was not worried about not having people near me, bc i had no one at the time, but in a way i miss being lonely, because i had nothing else but the moment before me. No one to run to to distract me from the beautiful reality of" I am alive!" I am breathing, feeling, dreaming...

It's that feeling of laughing so hard you can't find breath... Of staring at that sunset listening to that song. The one that pricks your heart and makes you feel like it was written just for you and for this moment. It's riding in the car with your feet hanging out the window. It is smelling the glossy coat of a horse and being taken back...and its lying in a field just listening..

I have forgotten how to just be in a breath of a moment.. but i am refreshed.

The fire has been put back under me. I will do things that make me come alive. I will wake with the sun and be astounded again.

I will rekindle my friendship with that person and truly taste that pumpkin latte. I will hitchhike to west knoxville tomorrow just for the hell of it and concentrate on my feet hitting the pavement.

BE AWAKE today, tomorrow, for the rest of your life really.

goodnight.

Meg

I have never been here..

I haven't blogged in a while. I have no reason as to why.

So much has happened. I have been dancing my little ass off at Sassy Ann's. I have friends again here, i have community, most of all i am knowing life. I think.

I cant really explain how damn good it feels to not let the anxiousness of controlling my own life get to me. IT IS GONE.

On my weak days i wonder what i am doing here, i want to skip off to another country. That whole" I'm young! i need to live while i can!" thing creeps back into my life. But what is "living" anyways. I can be living anywhere and the loneliness I felt not being fully known by the people i was around, it really killed me. Once upon a time..when I was traveling and had no intentions of stopping. If someone had told me I would be back here in knoxville,TN I would have cackled in their face.

Here i am. In the hometown where i was raised. 23 years old and my future is completely unknown, but ya know i am okay with it. I am hanging on to seeking the kingdom with all I have inside me. There i have found peace. Whenever anxiousness creeps back in, it is a clear sign that i am not tuning into him enough. Because true joy and peace cannot live where worry, doubt abide. They hate one another.

I have learned to let go and it is beautiful.

Ron Paul.Ron Paul