To have my hands in the dirt astounds me. To put this tiny little seed into soil and watch it grow into food is a living miracle. We have been harvesting some yummy, beautiful things. Kale, spinach, broccoli, radishes, beets you name it. I have learned a lot. I will always have a garden. Always.
Picking wildflowers. Medicinal ones, trying to remember all the names and uses as i go. Borage, jewell weed, Queen Anne's lace, Yarro. I am constantly amazed at how it is so easy to pass something beautiful up, like a flower, but then when properly presented to the world ( or even noticed at all) it comes alive and becomes noticed and breathtaking. The flowers teach me that after they are pruned and in a vase sitting in my room...I will vow to you fare flower to always stop and smell your petals.;) ha. Or pick you..
I have been praying for many things the past few months. Once i realized that me not being content EVER and my constant spiritual groaning is worsened when i do not have three specific things.
Purpose..community..simplicity..
It took me some time to flesh out what my soul was needing, but i can stand solid when i say that these things are so necessary to the human spirit.
So realizing these specific things, I started asking the father for them. I drastically battle with wanderlust and wanting a cozy place to settle with people i love. I wanted to farm organically and for several reasons i chose to look in Asheville NC as a place to do so. I am farming at Gladheart Farm. Part of the 12 tribes community. When i arrived, i had no idea what was in store. People dressed so different..lived in this very disciplined schedule. etc..but once the shock of it wore off I saw everything I had been asking the father for. " Here is my people, they are actually living it out!", I thought. Their love for one another and the unity that dwells here still astounds me. The life they lead is a beautiful one, sharing their hearts with one another, living simply and they actually know how to love. I was almost positive i would become a part of this life.
The second month came and whole new wave of doubt came across me. Maybe i am being influenced too much by these people. How do i know this is right? Is the gracious Jesus Christ i have been pouring my heart out too the same Yashua that they claim to serve? Is the very influential example of giving up everything for Yashua really mean your family, dreams, abundant life and freedom too? I wonder what Annie Dillard would say...
A life of Joy, freedom, beauty cannot be truly felt and found here stuck in a bubble. Not for me at least. It is in new experiences and new faces. It is in the simple things that just amaze me.
I feel so stifled here. I feel like if my God has put in my heart to be in this life he will call me back to it somehow. I do know that he led me to this community for a reason, to teach me some crucial things that i did not know about myself.
I have been through spiritual turmoil, on my face demanding answers from the father. I feel like he is ushering me the way i should go. I will feel it when i am there. I have put my family in a state of constant worry,( understandable i guess) even thought they never respect what i do or say and just claim me nuts.
This place is good. These people are good. Heart will be healed here but I cannot say that this is it for me right now. Maybe not ever.
I learned how to truly purge my heart, i have seen inequities in me i didnt even know were there. I pray i take all of the beautiful things i have learned and apply them to my life on the outside. It may be called a cult but It's one i respect greatly. I will always love these people.
I very torn megan.
No comments:
Post a Comment