it pours.

It is almost 1:30 in the morning and I cannot sleep. Richard the pup is snoring beside me. I am sick, the christmas tree is finally up in this home. The reality of my God and the beauty of life has stabbed me back into living. It happened suddenly. I literally feel like i have been in a slumber, and i didnt realize it.

I was reading Annie Dillard and my old posts.

I used to love to live in the present, still do, but forgot how. I used to sit on my momma's front porch and write. I would scribble on her rocking chair, the date, my name, what i was feeling.

My mark on living in that moment. I was not worried about not having people near me, bc i had no one at the time, but in a way i miss being lonely, because i had nothing else but the moment before me. No one to run to to distract me from the beautiful reality of" I am alive!" I am breathing, feeling, dreaming...

It's that feeling of laughing so hard you can't find breath... Of staring at that sunset listening to that song. The one that pricks your heart and makes you feel like it was written just for you and for this moment. It's riding in the car with your feet hanging out the window. It is smelling the glossy coat of a horse and being taken back...and its lying in a field just listening..

I have forgotten how to just be in a breath of a moment.. but i am refreshed.

The fire has been put back under me. I will do things that make me come alive. I will wake with the sun and be astounded again.

I will rekindle my friendship with that person and truly taste that pumpkin latte. I will hitchhike to west knoxville tomorrow just for the hell of it and concentrate on my feet hitting the pavement.

BE AWAKE today, tomorrow, for the rest of your life really.

goodnight.

Meg

I have never been here..

I haven't blogged in a while. I have no reason as to why.

So much has happened. I have been dancing my little ass off at Sassy Ann's. I have friends again here, i have community, most of all i am knowing life. I think.

I cant really explain how damn good it feels to not let the anxiousness of controlling my own life get to me. IT IS GONE.

On my weak days i wonder what i am doing here, i want to skip off to another country. That whole" I'm young! i need to live while i can!" thing creeps back into my life. But what is "living" anyways. I can be living anywhere and the loneliness I felt not being fully known by the people i was around, it really killed me. Once upon a time..when I was traveling and had no intentions of stopping. If someone had told me I would be back here in knoxville,TN I would have cackled in their face.

Here i am. In the hometown where i was raised. 23 years old and my future is completely unknown, but ya know i am okay with it. I am hanging on to seeking the kingdom with all I have inside me. There i have found peace. Whenever anxiousness creeps back in, it is a clear sign that i am not tuning into him enough. Because true joy and peace cannot live where worry, doubt abide. They hate one another.

I have learned to let go and it is beautiful.

Ron Paul.Ron Paul

BEAUTIFUL. Josh Garrells

Farther Along 

Farther along we’ll know all about it 
Farther along we’ll understand why 
Cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine 
We’ll understand this, all by and by 

Tempted and tried, I wondered why 
The good man died, the bad man thrives 
And Jesus cries because he loves em’ both 
We’re all cast-aways in need of ropes 
Hangin’ on by the last threads of our hope 
In a house of mirrors full of smoke 
Confusing illusions I’ve seen 

Where did I go wrong, I sang along 
To every chorus of the song 
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates 
Leading mice and men down to their fates 
But some will courageously escape 
The seductive voice with a heart of faith 
While walkin’ that line back home 

So much more to life than we’ve been told 
It’s full of beauty that will unfold 
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son 
That deadweight burden weighs a ton 
Go down into the river and let it run 
And wash away all the things you’ve done 
Forgiveness alright 

Chorus 

Still I get hard pressed on every side 
Between the rock and a compromise 
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin’ for my soul 
And I’ve got no place left go 
Cause I got changed by what I’ve been shown 
More glory than the world has known 
Keeps me ramblin’ on 

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall 
I’m free to love once and for all 
And even when I fall I’ll get back up 
For the joy that overflows my cup 
Heaven filled me with more than enough 
Broke down my levee and my bluff 
Let the flood wash me 

And one day when the sky rolls back on us 
Some rejoice and the others fuss 
Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess 
That the son of god is forever blessed 
His is the kingdom, we’re the guests 
So put your voice up to the test 
Sing Lord, come soon 

white knuckles.

We hold our hands out in front of us.
One is holding our lives.. gripped, tight, knuckles turning white.
The other reaching out to grasp for things that would seemingly make our lives full.
We add them to the gripped hand, scared each moment upon its opening, that something we worked so hard to get will seep through to be lost.
This job, that house, that man, this dream, that goal, acceptance from this person.
Searching for worthiness and an escape from our many falters.
All this gripping, fighting, seeking has still left us empty.
We knew it would. God, did we ever.
 It didn't stop us from fondling the world for something that would make us feel alive.
We want something more...
we were made for it.

There is this story we are made to be a part of.
It requires a beautiful letting go.
Our focus becomes singlemindely focused on a higher power, your kingdom father, It requires us to hold our own life, loosely, in our hands.
This time all the things inside are jumbled, not in the way we put them in, they swarm in the containment, fluttering in a beautiful mess. We are in awe of you and forget to care.
We aren't reaching out any longer, ONLY UP, and suddenly all the things we groan for, out of needing, appear in the hand that holds our life.
Father God, we fear missing out on what you have for us, but if we are writhing for you, how could we miss it?
Keep us hungry.
Kill our complacency.
Let us make roots in you so our branches can reach further.

We don't want a life we made, we want one that you breathed.

holding life loosely..

I know that i need to give it all up for you father. I know i need to count you in on every decision in my everyday life. Maybe i am thinking too hard again but sometimes i need to be reminded how this plays out? What does that even look like?
Small prayers at the coffee counter as to what drink i should get? constant idleness because i am waiting on a audible voice from heaven as to what to do with my day off? Me standing on the sidewalk trying to hear a word from you as to which street to walk down knowing that one small conversation with a new stranger could change my live or theirs? wow. i am nuts.

I just want to be seeking your kingdom in every moment within my day without having to become a monk in a life of complete solitude. On days i wake up in a rush, when i do not let your beautiful flavor reach my heart, my day feels wasted. Like i could have connected with people, loved people, but my selfishness, complacency hindered me in doing so. On days i choose you before my feet hit the ground, i am reminded of my joy, I have a purpose, and all my common fears of life vanish. My life has meaning, i feel a divine battle fluttering around me creating hope where darkness once lived. Suddenly i know deeply that all the desires of my heart will be given because i have faith that you will provide them in your timing, because i am seeking you with everything I have.

I have learned to hold life loosely. Just be tossed to and fro but smile and love while doing so. Thinking of you often. Speaking to you by just opening my heart throughout the day. Seeking ways to be intentional, jumping over walls that separate us from one another.

Help me show grace to those closest to me, father. I am just thankful for life.

"Heaven is under our feet, as well as over out heads"

-Henry David Thoreau

Hey you, look at your hands.

Can i just remind you how beautiful being human is? Look at the creases in your hands. No stop, and really look, you aren't that hungry, you don't have to pee that bad, and that person can wait for 3 minutes. Look at those creases. They are incredible. So are you and the God who formed them.

I may be high on life. I have my joy back. I have my God back. I stopped running my own life. It was risky but it feels damn good to let my loving God be in control again.

Church today at knoxlife really spoke to me. In the teaching, the pastor mentioned the fact that all through scripture, not once do you find Jesus in a hurry. He was always present where ever he was. Always trusting the father.

How do we live our lives? In a rush? Not taking time to notice the small things, choosing not to invest in that person because welll" i just don't have time. I gotta get this done because it will help me fulfill this and that makes me look better and more successful in the world's eyes, I am worth something that way" What is life to you? I wanna look back and say, that i invested time in something of goodness rather than say i paid my bills on time or became this hot shot.

I have been so joyful this week. I have killed my selfishness, looked outward and sought the kingdom this week more than i have been. It really hits home to know that we can derive out Joy from NOTHING else but the father. In the same light, we can always come to him and find Life. Is that not the most comforting thought imaginable?

Yeah we are definitely less than perfect, but we are more than just flesh and bone.

We are not just here to exists but to THRIVE. We are invited into the kingdom and God has specific plans for our lives. Why would we not seek after that with everything in us?!

Why can't i just let go of myself, my selfish desires that would never fulfill me anyways, and run to him who can give it all to me?Let go of everything. Stop struggling, running, chasing plastic, being wayward and know that you might be missing out on something huge. The full life that he has for you.

When i look back at year 23, will i just see how foolish i was trying to create this life without you? I cant run it myself, i make a mess of it every time. Father kill the pride inside that tells me i dont need you, because i do. God do i ever.

"I'm holding onto your love, letting go of myself, saying so long to everything else."

We all seek after meaningless jargon to make ourselves feel worthy, but we are worthy already. Know that.

I know i have a hippy countenance anyways but lets live in love you all. Not the cheap sex, hippy kind but the kingdom is crashing in kind.

Jesus is not walking around among us any longer, you can't find him on Gay street, but we can share his ways with those around us. Even if you have to step out of the routine that is killing you anyways. It is up to us. Father God, let us be flavoring to the lives around us. I say that with everything inside me.