starving without daily bread and no!, cookies will not work.

I awoke today almost letting the worry get to me. I didn't choose it, I chose joy instead.

I am learning a hard lesson this week. That i have pride, selfishness, stubbornness inside that i need to kill. I have been running my own life because waiting on him takes patience, and I appear to have none.

Church really spoke to me this week. The teaching was on the need for community. IT'S ABOUT TIME. I need this, desire this above everything else in my life. It is coming slowly but it is coming still. That made reflect on my desires, which made me realize i don't deserve any of them. I pray for community, for purpose for simplicity. For direction and guidance. How can i ever be in his will to receive these things rightly, if i am not seeking him out daily? He gives us the desire of our hearts but we have to chase him running full force to receive these things the way they are supposed to be received. I have been asking myself if i really believe he gives us what we desire. I have realized maybe i have the things right in front of me that i have been screaming for, or maybe they are close if only realize i need him first for them to be given.

I am selfish but that is changing. I want to be a person that loves always, serving so fully that I have no time to live inside of my own crazy head. ..chasing the things independently. I will be here, present. If i seek after him wholeheartedly, all of these things i was chasing after on my own will be given, and when he gives them I am in his will. I need the father first.

I wanna forget myself totally and love radically. Dwell on this today, if you are reading my words.

"The Divine Praises"
Francis of Assisi

You are holy, Lord, the only God,
and Your deeds are wonderful.
You are strong.
You are great.
You are the Most High.
You are Almighty.
You, Holy Father are King of heaven and earth.
You are Three and One, Lord God, all Good.
You are Good, all Good, supreme Good,
Lord God, living and true.
You are love. You are wisdom.
You are humility. You are endurance.
You are rest. You are peace.
You are joy and gladness.
You are justice and moderation.
You are all our riches, and You suffice for us.
You are beauty.
You are gentleness.
You are our protector.
You are our guardian and defender.
You are our courage. You are our haven and our hope.
You are our faith, our great consolation.
You are our eternal life, Great and Wonderful Lord,
God Almighty, Merciful Saviour.

old prayer found in a drawer

When I thought to be content without you..you dazzle me leaving me feeling foolish..

I would spend my days chasing you, but other breezes have caught my attention with their melodies lulling me to walk this way or that..

I have forgotten the sweet tune of my father..my God..

the only tune that ever settles my ever wandering spirit..is you.

I was wonderfully reminded of you today, in the quiet, creamy days of light,

I can still feel you after all this time.something thought to be easily forgotten..refreshed my thinking and latched on to my soul.

This desire will never cease. For even when I am far i am craving to be near you, and it is this craving that marks me as your own.

To measure our closeness in meters is foolish. Learning to know you has no standard. My heart has found freedom in you father God, and I curse my own life and claim it blessed in the same breath.

What is this invisible force pulling me towards you? It can't be defined, all I know is you have your hands on me, when I am so sure that its all me. I am wrong, so wrong. You take a highlighter to my life, make it noticed, through you unbending love. There are just no words to be found, there never are. I find you whispering words to my soul when I finally settle enough to listen..

"enjoy the simple beauty of me, set your suitcases down and be here"

I look at the light and feel like I see you behind it. You are faceless but wooing me still, and I am tousled...

why don't we eat strawberry tops?

My thoughts are so scattered. Easily and always.

Last night I went to a family friend's property to see our horses. Walking through a field barefoot, watching the sun dance in the field grass, riding four wheelers, and smelling the the coat of a horse, all reminded me of a greater time in my life. I am in my element with a life like this because it is simple and beautiful. I feel God in everything in times like these.

Everything i seem to do lately reminds me of what i desire out of this life. I want peace and joy. Land, people, hard work, white shutters, goats, chickens. I want the smell of hay, to watch the sun go down with people i love, on a front porch. I want rolling hills and tree swings. Banjo music and cold beer. I want to learn how to work together to make something happen with like minded people. This is how i want to settle... but its not time to settle now. I need people to want this with me. I want a life that is seen as beautiful and different, a part from how the rest of the world lives. I want to invite others in this life with me. I will always keep an open table.

I am at a point in life where my decisions are starting to matter. Things i decide now are starting to affect the rest of my life. Panic sets in that I'm not doing enough, but then this whole being at peace thing is important too, so I'm battling the two. Should I work towards building this life now, and then leave for adventure so i can have something to come home too? should i wait for when I am ready to settle? I want this place ready for me and ready to invite others to join me. This dream will remain living inside of me. It could be a while, but my stubbornness will prevail in making this a reality.

I was driving down the interstate today eating a strawberry. When i got to the leafy top, i wondered why we didn't eat that part. "Why don't I eat this part of the strawberry?! It is probably just as good for me as the rest", but somehow i have seen others not eat it, its the norm and i throw it out every time. Well before today.

I ate the top today.

I sat with this old lady this afternoon. I was reminded how beautiful it is to gain a stranger's trust and friendship. We bonded over C.S Lewis and healthy food. yeah thats right, I watched food inc. with an 80 year old french woman. Movie nights at her place will be happening soon.

The loneliness of these old people i am meeting makes me ache. They should be at a full table, with people, sharing their wisdom, being taken care of.

I battle staying here. I struggle paying the rent. I will know people here and get on my feet.

I will take Richard for walks at midnight and feel free on the sidewalk.

I pray that all who want and need something more today find it. True peace is there, its a gift. We can unwrap and delve in, save it for next christmas, poke at it, destroy it or star it for hours, years, i would say we all should open it and be amazed. Be intentional and laugh.

you cant run with suitcases...

so drop em and start frolicking in his joy like he wants you too...

Meg

grape cigar and folklore story day.

I sat on my porch with a book i got out of the free bin at mckays bookstore. The place hip people go to feel sane, when their alone.

The book is an icelandic folklore children's story. Sometimes i get sick of reading things for adult thought. I needed this.

My grape cigar tastes sweet, but i always have the lingering question of "what the hell am i doing here?" I need adventure today. Everyday to feel something.

I was missing the simplicity of my thought when i was a young girl. My wildness that was thoughtless and easy. It drove me to my childhood neighborhood. Two days ago, and im still thinking about it.

Driving down those familiar roads that are unknown to me now..I stuck my head out the window, to see if i recognized the smell. I did. It smelled the same. What was it.?!!

"There is the curve my brother wrecked on, there is the barn i first kissed a boy in, and here is that life-giving hill i road my bike down, recklessly with eyes closed."

I remember walking down that path to a field, to a pond, feeling those weird slimey frog eggs between my fingers.

I found myself standing between the two houses i lived in. Barefoot, wild-haired, and talking out loud to the unknown people inhabiting one of my houses. "Who the fuck are you in my house!?" "You arent even knowing life there!!" Life was great for me there, easy, wild, secure too."

They didn't hear me.....

I decided to drive up to the house i was born in. My friend Mr. Buckner lives there. He looks like santa clause and has one of the most tender hearts i know. He would run down to our house with his gun whenever there was a problem and i was scared. Once i got chased by a rabid coyote,.... we called buckner.

I used to ride my horse bareback up to his yard( i think i was still claiming it as my own) to pick apples. Once my horse went nuts and i got lodged between one of the branches and my horse. Why do i have to go to the chiropractor at age 23?

I walk in my old house and its smaller and different. Full of cigarette smoke and bad decorations. Mr. Buckner was so surprised and happy to see me now a woman. We stroll down memory lane while his new wife cuts bell peppers in the kitchen.

When it was time for me to leave, i hug him bye. He is misty eyed. I didn't realize I would have that affect. Maybe i didnt know how much he was seeing life in me when i was a little girl. Maybe i reminded him of another time.

He walked me outside, i looked at my old playhouse, empty and full of memories. All my old pets are buried here, the stain on the side of the house where i threw the egg, still there. I hop in my jeep. He stands, waves, smiles while i back all the way down the driveway. I drive up the hill i rode reckless on so many years ago, feeling selfish. Realizing how much i live for me, not remembering people who were there. Not caring of their well being now. I made a vow. I will search them out and tell them how i feel. I will remember and make them do the same. Maybe we can help each live life NOW, so we can look back at these moments like those.

Time is cruel. Fucking cruel.

We are here just long enough to ache and scramble, just short enough to not really care. Where is the in between?

I get pissed at the God i love. Claiming life as a cruel joke often. Then i see a child lose their ice cream off their cone, and i remember. It has to be this way. For now. We lose our ice cream, sometimes.

I work retail. I pay rent. I walk aimlessly. I am learning solitude and to see things as amazing. I am also saving all of my wanderlust up for something big. Grand. This is a season.

Everyone feels what i am feeling now. Why dont we talk to one another about it? I should pass you on the sidewalk and say" how are you handling the groaning of life today? suicidal? okay with it? lets get ice cream and watch our lump of goodness fall to the ground. Maybe we can share a laugh.

I feel like people dont know me sometimes.

I am nostalgic, always wanting comfort and good times simultaneously. Always living in the not good enough. I am still learning.

Good God am i ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

please watch that.

Meggyyyy

can i really do this.

" A rolling stone gathers no moss"

My step-dad keeps telling me this.

I am finding it more and more true for me right now. I have no roots anywhere and i think it is time for some. Not to say that these roots cant be really long ones. ..right? the kind that stretch and move..;) I am making a life in a spot. I will work. I will play and most importantly i will know people. Who knows for how long. I am just trying to be okay with it by not thinking of all the crazier things i could be doing and seeing.

I am always chasing this fleeting beauty that i can never fully capture. I might find myself holding it briefly but it always gets away from me. What is that?! I drives me crazy. I can be in the most beautiful of moments really trying to embrace it fully and still cannot.

I recall a moment when i tried.

I was sitting on top of a Mountain in Alaska watching Mt. Denali light up with the evening sunset. eating blueberries i picked from the tundra beside me. They were delicious. I said to myself in amazement " Megan look at what's around you, where you are at, what you are feeling. This is amazing. Breathe really deep. Close your eyes, NO don't close your eyes!. God this is too beautiful. Take it away OR take this annoying inability to consume this moment from me." What the hell is that? Why cant i consume something beautiful in the most full way? I don't think my human body could bare it. I feel the same about our father too. Why is he so damn elusive? Every time i feel like i have a grasp on him, he removes my hand gently. I love it so.

I want my forehead always touching the sky. Always.

Meg

Annie..

I sit alone and read. I like these words. Oh how i wish i could fully grasp every fiber, morsel, spec, feeling, breath of a day....although I'm not sure i could take it

-Meg

" Some days I felt an urgent responsibility to each change of light outside the sunporch windows. Who would remember any of it, any of this our time, and the wind thrashing the buckeye limbs outside? Somebody had to hang on to the days with teeth and fists, or the whole show had been in vain. That is was impossible never entered my reckoning, For work, for a task, I had never heard the word."

-Annie Dillard

torn.

Megan is missing her music. Windows down, sun setting and a good dose of tunes with her freedom. That is one thing she can say. but this farming is good for the soul. I will never NOT question where my food comes from again.

To have my hands in the dirt astounds me. To put this tiny little seed into soil and watch it grow into food is a living miracle. We have been harvesting some yummy, beautiful things. Kale, spinach, broccoli, radishes, beets you name it. I have learned a lot. I will always have a garden. Always.

Picking wildflowers. Medicinal ones, trying to remember all the names and uses as i go. Borage, jewell weed, Queen Anne's lace, Yarro. I am constantly amazed at how it is so easy to pass something beautiful up, like a flower, but then when properly presented to the world ( or even noticed at all) it comes alive and becomes noticed and breathtaking. The flowers teach me that after they are pruned and in a vase sitting in my room...I will vow to you fare flower to always stop and smell your petals.;) ha. Or pick you..

I have been praying for many things the past few months. Once i realized that me not being content EVER and my constant spiritual groaning is worsened when i do not have three specific things.

Purpose..community..simplicity..

It took me some time to flesh out what my soul was needing, but i can stand solid when i say that these things are so necessary to the human spirit.

So realizing these specific things, I started asking the father for them. I drastically battle with wanderlust and wanting a cozy place to settle with people i love. I wanted to farm organically and for several reasons i chose to look in Asheville NC as a place to do so. I am farming at Gladheart Farm. Part of the 12 tribes community. When i arrived, i had no idea what was in store. People dressed so different..lived in this very disciplined schedule. etc..but once the shock of it wore off I saw everything I had been asking the father for. " Here is my people, they are actually living it out!", I thought. Their love for one another and the unity that dwells here still astounds me. The life they lead is a beautiful one, sharing their hearts with one another, living simply and they actually know how to love. I was almost positive i would become a part of this life.

The second month came and whole new wave of doubt came across me. Maybe i am being influenced too much by these people. How do i know this is right? Is the gracious Jesus Christ i have been pouring my heart out too the same Yashua that they claim to serve? Is the very influential example of giving up everything for Yashua really mean your family, dreams, abundant life and freedom too? I wonder what Annie Dillard would say...

A life of Joy, freedom, beauty cannot be truly felt and found here stuck in a bubble. Not for me at least. It is in new experiences and new faces. It is in the simple things that just amaze me.

I feel so stifled here. I feel like if my God has put in my heart to be in this life he will call me back to it somehow. I do know that he led me to this community for a reason, to teach me some crucial things that i did not know about myself.

I have been through spiritual turmoil, on my face demanding answers from the father. I feel like he is ushering me the way i should go. I will feel it when i am there. I have put my family in a state of constant worry,( understandable i guess) even thought they never respect what i do or say and just claim me nuts.

This place is good. These people are good. Heart will be healed here but I cannot say that this is it for me right now. Maybe not ever.

I learned how to truly purge my heart, i have seen inequities in me i didnt even know were there. I pray i take all of the beautiful things i have learned and apply them to my life on the outside. It may be called a cult but It's one i respect greatly. I will always love these people.

I very torn megan.